It's been a long time, hasn't it. I have been trying to figure out what to write for a month and a half now. I've even started writing a couple times. I wrote about a few good things that happened in October. The Martinsville guys came for a visit, my sister came down with the kids to go to the fair, and I got a root canal so I can chew pain-free for the first time in years. But writing about that would imply that I'm doing okay.
I like writing about things when they are going well. I like writing about successes and improvements. I haven't had any of that in a while. I don't like to write about my problems because it sounds like complaining. The people who know me best know that I'm a complainer by nature. Complaining doesn't make you any friends, so I try really hard not to do it, but when I'm not feeling good, it's hard.
But if I'm going to update my status, I'm probably going to have to complain a little. If you don't want to hear me do that, stop reading.
Back before I had my first HO surgery, my right hip hurt a lot, so whenever I sat upright, I put all my weight on my left side to try to relieve the pain. Over time, I began to suspect that I was damaging the soft tissue inside my left butt cheek around the left butt bone. The medical term is "ischial tuberosity". I didn't think I had any choice but to do that. I could have chosen to get in bed and keep weight off it until my surgery, but I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do, and lying in bed is boring and unproductive.
Fast forward 16 months, and the pain in my ischial is almost unbearable, and still seems to be getting worse every day. For the last month, I have gotten out of bed to eat and go to the bathroom, and I stay up if I have a visitor, but otherwise, I'm in bed. I've spent the last month trying to think of a way to elaborately explain on the blog what it feels like, but that's probably a waste of time. I'll just say it feels like the bone is tearing through the muscle. That's what it feels like, and that's what I think is actually happening.
Some days it hurts more than others. Sometimes after getting up for a while to eat, I get back in bed and curse into my pillow for a couple hours while waiting for the pain to subside to the point where I can sleep. Occasionally I have a day when it barely hurts at all, and I usually use those days to try to do things that I need to do around the apartment, like laundry and cooking. I'm pretty sure I'm doing more damage on those days because the next day, the pain is invariably worse than ever.
Even lying on my back or my left side in bed is very painful. That leaves my right side or my stomach. I can't do anything but sleep on my stomach, so I've been spending a lot of time on my right side. I'm starting to worry I might be risking damage to my right hip from lying on it so much. Right now, I'm lying on my right side with my laptop propped on its side resting against my knee so I can use both hands to type. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and it's one reason I haven't posted in so long.
I get asked a lot, "Why don't you use some pain meds?" I don't ever like to use pain meds, but I'll consider it when I don't think the pain is useful. In this case, I believe the pain reminds me to stay off my butt. If pain meds worked on this pain, which I think is doubtful, I would be encouraged to spend more time sitting up, and would probably make the problem even worse. As it is, the pain reminds me to do pressure relief when I'm up, and it reminds me get back in bed at my earliest opportunity. I think that's a good thing.
Being stuck in bed is keeping me from getting on with my life. I can't do any rehab or work on driving, or exercise or anything. Apart from this pain, I actually feel pretty good. My right hip isn't pain-free, but it feels better than it did, and I would really like to get out and try to do something, but instead I'm just lying here getting fatter and weaker.
I finally called my doctor this week to see if she had any advice. She agreed that staying off it is the only thing I can do, although she did suggest I should eat more protein, so that's something I can try to work on. I have been trying to cut down on my calorie intake because I'm getting too fat, but that has probably cut my protein below what it should be. I have to eat more protein than a normal person because it helps heal wounds and prevent pressure sores. Unfortunately, low-fat protein sources don't taste very good, and the more of them I eat, the less room there will be for things I enjoy. If anyone has any ideas on that, I'd love to hear them, but keep in mind that I can't do a lot of prep work. My brother helped me prepare a variation on these when he was here that I have really been enjoying. Supposedly animal protein is the best, and eggs are good for 6 grams each. I also just ordered a few cases of these in different flavors. They have 20 grams apiece so hopefully I can choke them down.
My brother came to visit over Thanksgiving, and I enjoyed the visit a lot, but I definitely sat up too much and made my ischial worse. I was supposed to go with him up to VA to visit my sister and my parents, but Thursday morning, my battery died, and we couldn't get the van started. It sucks because I was looking forward to the trip, but I think it's best I didn't go because it would have been very bad for my ischial. As it was, Gus and his family invited me over for dinner. I enjoyed dinner at Gus's very much, and Gus makes the best turkey I've ever had by a wide margin, but even eating over there was more sitting than I probably should have done.
I haven't seen very much of Gus lately. He's been busy, and I think he's getting tired of coming over all the time anyway. That's fine. I'm pretty sure he'd come if I had an emergency, and I don't really need as much help as I used to on a daily basis. Tobi has been helping with showers and grocery shopping on occasion, for which I am profoundly grateful, but most days I'm alone all day. That might be for the best since I feel pressured to get up when people are over. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't kinda lonely. I cannot imagine how people dealt with these sort of long-term situations before smart phones.
One bright spot in all this has been the Free Food Fairy. Occasionally, my friend Brian sneaks in on his way to work and leaves leftovers his wife Kelly made in my fridge and then leaves without waking me up. And then I don't have to worry about dinner for a few days. It's really one of my favorite things, and it really means a lot to me. Kelly's sister, Amy also still brings me food sometimes. She doesn't deliver it with a B&E, but it is no less appreciated.
There's a lot more I could write about, but I think this post is long enough, don't you? I don't know when I might want to write again. I don't want this blog to lose its generally positive tone, but it's hard to stay positive when you don't have any idea when things might get better.
