Looking Forward

If I don't have anything to look forward to, it makes it really hard to get out of bed in the morning.  Right now, the only thing I actually look forward to is sleep, and the only reason to get up is so I don't pee my pants.

For a while, I had dinner guests every night, but that has slowed to a trickle as I knew it would.  Now, if I have two guests a week, I'm doing pretty well.  For a while, I looked forward to watching TV, but now I have watched about all the TV I care to see.  Now it mostly feels tedious and repetitive.  When I'm watching TV, I keep thinking about how I could be sleeping.  And I keep seeing people on TV doing the things I wish I was doing.  I want to go camping or running.  I want to ride a bicycle.  Of course I can't look forward to any of those things.  Right now, if I can take my trash out to the dumpster, I feel like I have accomplished something.

At some point, I suppose I'm looking forward to a painful and invasive surgery, but there is so much uncertainty about that that it's impossible to look forward to it too much.  I'm not even sure it'll solve any of my problems.  And it might create new ones.

Having nothing to look forward to is making it really hard to do the things I'm supposed to be doing.  Notably my exercise routine.  I don't see any immediate benefit, so what's the point?  In my heart, I know that's a bad mentality, but I just don't care.

So I've decided I need some goals.  If I have something practical I can look forward to, maybe that will give me a reason to get up in the morning.  The goal I keep focusing on is being able to drive and the freedom that comes with it.  I hate asking people whenever I need to go somewhere.  I just want to be able to go where I want.  Right now I'm a shut-in.  It's depressing.  It would do a lot for my outlook if I could just go where I want.

Of course even when I can drive, I still can't go a lot of the places I want because they aren't wheelchair accessible.  I can only get into one friend's house, and that's way back up where I used to live.  I don't see myself getting up there very often.

It occurred to me today that my sleepiness may be caused by the drug I'm taking to try to control my spasms.  The spasms seem a little better, but at what cost?  I may have to decide what's more important, but I can say that the spasms are pretty bad.  The sleepiness makes it really hard to get anything done though.  Makes it hard to write the blog.

In other news, my house should close tomorrow.  That will be a load off my mind, and I can't thank Gus enough for the tremendous amount of help he's given me with that.  He's got all my stuff stored at his house right now, and at some point, I expect to have a yard sale to get rid of a lot of it.  Who wants my awesome coffee table?  It makes me very sad to part with everything I've spent the last 10 years collecting, but I just can't keep it.

Goings On

It's only Tuesday and I'm already exhausted.  It's been a long week.  I'm still taking one day at a time, but the last few have been pretty good.  The next few will be a challenge.

Last Friday, some of my friends threw a party in my apartment.  Gus made his famous ribs and baked beans, and Caitlin brought 7-layer dip, and Kelly made ice cream-cookie sandwiches.  I bought a bunch of beer, and a bunch of people came, and we had a great time.  It was nice to hang out with a bunch of my friends at once.

Jessica, Cullen, me, Titus, Uyen, Gus, and Ben

Brittany was there too

Brian checking out Ben's new phone

Gus showing off his ribs

Buddha Bear was there too

Later, Buddha did some body shots

I was happy my neighbors didn't call the police.

Saturday morning, Gus's family left for Kansas, but my friend Emily used some of her vacation to fly down from Philly and stay with me.  Emily is my cousin's sister-in-law, and happens to be a neurophysiologist who works on a surgical team that does spinal surgeries like the spinal fusion I had.

Emily and I have always gotten along well at family functions because we have similar interests, including the fact that she rides an SV650 like the one I used to race.  Her family owns a dairy farm up in the North Country near where my family's farm is.

Emily

Emily and I had a great time hanging out and watching movies.  She also helped me out with a bunch of things around the house.  Unfortunately, she had to leave this morning (Tuesday), and I'm going to be mostly by myself the rest of the week.  We'll see how that goes.  I know I have people I can call if I need help, but except for dinner Thursday night, nobody actually scheduled to come over.

While Emily was here, we spent some time out on the balcony, and it is definitely starting to feel like Summer is over.  It's not cold outside yet, but there were a couple times when it definitely wasn't hot either.  I'm worried about winter.  It's hard enough to put on gym shorts and a t-shirt by myself.  Emily took me to Target to shop for some long pants, but I haven't tried to put them on yet.  I'm worried about putting them on and getting them off by myself.  If I can't, it's going to be a loooong winter.

Otherwise, things are going okay here.  I'm not sure, but I don't think my HO is getting any worse, and the same for my spasms.  They're still not good though.  I'm starting to think I'm likely to end up with a baclofen pump at some point, but I'll worry about that later.  For now, I'm just going to keep taking things one day at a time and seeing how things go.

Passion

Today I got an email from my buddy, Chris, about his latest motorcycle race.  Here's a video he sent.

WERA Talladega GPR Formula 2 - August 2012

You don't have to watch it.  If you're not a motorcycle racing fan, you might think it's boring.  I find it riveting.  But then again, I spent the last few years devoting myself to becoming as good at this as I could.  Motorcycle racing is the first and only thing I have ever felt truly passionate about.  I could happily live, eat, and breathe motorcycle racing, and talk about it until everyone around me was bored to tears.

It immersed me completely.  Working on the bike, learning to tune it to make it handle better, improving my skills in riding it, analyzing my past performance.  I happily spent all my free time on it.  Now I can't do it anymore, and all the knowledge and skills I acquired seem like a waste.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about lately is whether I'll ever have another passion.  Something that makes me want to stay up late at night and get up early.  Something that makes my pulse quicken just thinking about it.

It's hard to imagine right now what it might be, but I hope I find one eventually.  Life is so much better when you're passionate about something.

Little Help?

Since I got out of the hospital, my friend, Gus, has been completely indispensable to me.  He helps me with everything on a daily basis.  He has helped me sell my house, and a motorcycle.  Currently, he's helping me sell a car, and he comes over for lunch most days and helps with whatever I need.  He keeps me from panicking about the things I can't do for myself, and I literally don't know what I would do without him.

Unfortunately, I'm going to find out what I would do without him the week of September 8th to the 15th.  He's going on vacation to Kansas to hang out with his family.  That's going to leave me all alone, so if you were thinking about coming to visit, that would be a good time.  I need help with stupid stuff like checking my mail and changing my sheets.  And putting my socks on.  It's stupid, but important, and I can't do it myself.

Also from Kansas

And company.  I could use some company.  So think about it.  If you've been thinking about visiting, that week would be a good time.  I'd really appreciate it.

The Nicest Guy in the World

I want to tell everybody about this guy I know.  His name is Syed, and he's the Physical Therapist that came to my house when I first got out of the hospital.

The nicest guy in the world with Buddha Bear

Syed is one of the most interesting people I've ever met.  He's from Malaysia, and has a passion for cars.  Especially Mercedes.  He's almost 50 years old and doesn't look a day over 35.  He enjoys jazz music, and wishes he could live in a hut on the beach somewhere.

My insurance company paid for Syed to come help me work out 8 or 10 times after I was released, and he did a great job.  But then, they stopped paying him.  And Syed kept coming.  Now he only has time to come on the weekend, but he does it on his own time.  He comes most Sundays and helps for half an hour.  I don't pay him at all.

He also calls me a couple times a week to remind me to work out.  That's hugely helpful for me.  I respond well to peer pressure, and if it wasn't for that pressure, I probably wouldn't work out as much as I do.  And I really do think I've been getting stronger in the arms and shoulders.  I also think I may be getting a tiny bit of abdominal function back, but that's another story.

Anyway, this post is about Syed.  If you're worried that there aren't good people left in this world, think again.

Work In Progress

This week has been a blur.  I started working 3 hours a day on Tuesday, and it has been... interesting.

The first day was extremely hard for me physically.  I wasn't feeling very flexible that day, and it just hurt physically to sit in the chair that long.  The second day was better.  I felt better, and it didn't hurt so much to sit for that long.  The third day was moderately painful, but I worked more hours so I wouldn't have to work so much on Friday.

Overall, I'll call it a success, but it's a tough call.  The first assignment they've given me is to add a feature to a program I wrote a long time ago.  Programming requires you to have have a complicated procedure straight in your brain in order to make progress.  Every time I take a break, it takes me an hour or so to get started again.  When you only work 3 hours a day with a break in the middle, it makes it tough to get anything done.

So I've found that it's hard to make it to 3 hours because of physical pain, but it's hard to stop at 3 hours because I only just started making progress.  It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

I can already say that I hate working on my laptop from home.  At work, I have a fast desktop with 2 monitors so I can see a lot at once.  Working on the laptop is like working through a periscope.  I feel like I can barely see anything, and everything is on a time delay because the laptop is so slow.  I don't know what I can do about it though.

It's also challenging to try to fit my work into my schedule.  I feel like I don't do that much in a given day, but because everything takes so long, I barely have time for everything I need to do.  I have to get up, eat breakfast, get cleaned up, rest on the couch, work, eat lunch, entertain a lunch guest, possibly shower or take a trip to the store, rest, work some more, do the program, hopefully entertain a dinner guest, sleep.  I also have to consider doing laundry, dishes, or some cleaning in there.  All of it takes time, and there's only so much in the day.  I'm still trying to figure it out.

It does feel good to be back helping out at work though.  I just hope I can be productive and actually do some good.

Normal

On Saturday night, Mike and Sue took me out in my van to a Carolina Railhawks soccer game.  They had told me in the hospital that they wanted to take me, and now that I've got my van, it's physically possible.  When they invited me, I was concerned about having the stamina to sit through the whole game, but I decided I wanted to give it a try.

Sue and I watching grown men kick a ball around

The game worked out marvelously, and I had a great time.  I got to have a beer and some peanuts, and then a couple hot dogs.  The van worked perfectly, as it has since I got it, so the soccer game was a complete success.

After soccer, we went back to my place and sat on the deck and drank bourbon.  As much as I enjoyed the soccer, I REALLY enjoyed sitting around drinking.

Mmm... bourbon...

In the last couple weeks, I have had three opportunities to sit on the deck with somebody and just drink and talk, and I have realized something.  That is the only activity besides sleeping where I feel completely normal.

My brain didn't get injured in the crash, and I still feel like the same person I was before the accident except I'm trapped in a body that doesn't work.  Every waking minute of my life now is occupied with thinking about how to solve the suddenly complicated problems of everyday life.  The only time I'm not at all thinking about my broken body is when I'm asleep or when I'm having a few drinks and talking with my friends.  It's the only time I really feel normal and completely forget about my problems for a little while.

So I want to thank those of you who have spent time doing that with me.  It means more to me than you may realize.