If I don't have anything to look forward to, it makes it really hard to get out of bed in the morning. Right now, the only thing I actually look forward to is sleep, and the only reason to get up is so I don't pee my pants.
For a while, I had dinner guests every night, but that has slowed to a trickle as I knew it would. Now, if I have two guests a week, I'm doing pretty well. For a while, I looked forward to watching TV, but now I have watched about all the TV I care to see. Now it mostly feels tedious and repetitive. When I'm watching TV, I keep thinking about how I could be sleeping. And I keep seeing people on TV doing the things I wish I was doing. I want to go camping or running. I want to ride a bicycle. Of course I can't look forward to any of those things. Right now, if I can take my trash out to the dumpster, I feel like I have accomplished something.
At some point, I suppose I'm looking forward to a painful and invasive surgery, but there is so much uncertainty about that that it's impossible to look forward to it too much. I'm not even sure it'll solve any of my problems. And it might create new ones.
Having nothing to look forward to is making it really hard to do the things I'm supposed to be doing. Notably my exercise routine. I don't see any immediate benefit, so what's the point? In my heart, I know that's a bad mentality, but I just don't care.
So I've decided I need some goals. If I have something practical I can look forward to, maybe that will give me a reason to get up in the morning. The goal I keep focusing on is being able to drive and the freedom that comes with it. I hate asking people whenever I need to go somewhere. I just want to be able to go where I want. Right now I'm a shut-in. It's depressing. It would do a lot for my outlook if I could just go where I want.
Of course even when I can drive, I still can't go a lot of the places I want because they aren't wheelchair accessible. I can only get into one friend's house, and that's way back up where I used to live. I don't see myself getting up there very often.
It occurred to me today that my sleepiness may be caused by the drug I'm taking to try to control my spasms. The spasms seem a little better, but at what cost? I may have to decide what's more important, but I can say that the spasms are pretty bad. The sleepiness makes it really hard to get anything done though. Makes it hard to write the blog.
In other news, my house should close tomorrow. That will be a load off my mind, and I can't thank Gus enough for the tremendous amount of help he's given me with that. He's got all my stuff stored at his house right now, and at some point, I expect to have a yard sale to get rid of a lot of it. Who wants my awesome coffee table? It makes me very sad to part with everything I've spent the last 10 years collecting, but I just can't keep it.
Thanks for the effort to post this one, as well as the honesty that comes along with it. Makes the "excitement" of Laugh Out Loud Thursday (or whatever the heck NBC calls it) returning with all-new episodes of The Office and Parks & Recreation seem trivial, even frivolous. You need more live entertainment...perhaps I SHOULD look into Duke's ThD program, after all! A Cherry Jubilee every night of the week! You'd be craving solitude then. But you might also have competition for Evelyn's love with our mini-heartthrob on the loose. I'll pray about it. ;)
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