When I was in rehab, I made a decision that I wasn't going to think about walking. I was going to accept my situation, and concentrate on being the best paraplegic I could be. I thought that hoping to walk again would be bad for me. A lot has happened since then, but my strategy remains the same.
Unfortunately, there's a part of my brain that isn't on board with the plan. The last two nights, I have had very vivid dreams where I could miraculously walk again. It felt completely real, and the relief at getting my legs back was intoxicating. When I woke up, reality set back in. It was incredibly depressing.
I thought I had skipped over the mourning period for what I've lost, but maybe it's still coming. I hope not, and I hope I don't have to dream about walking for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I can take it.
When I was in rehab, somebody told me that when you start having dreams where you're in the wheelchair, that's when you've really arrived as a paraplegic. I'm not really looking forward to those dreams either. Maybe I can just not dream for the rest of my life...
Both mourning and dreaming are perfectly normal, healthy things, even though very frequently difficult to handle. For example, I have twice (that I remember) in the last ten days endured the torture of dreaming that Michael Phelps was chasing me with his freakishly long arms and dwarfish legs and refusing to believe that I'm a happily married woman uninterested in an extra-marital affair with anyone, no matter how medal-decorated or famous. I am always relieved to wake up. Perhaps I shouldn't have read that awful ESPN article about Olympic Village orgies.
ReplyDeleteWait, what were we talking about? Oh, right. Mourning and dreaming.
I'll be praying for your peaceful sleep, whether that involves dreams or not...and when mourning comes, this blog's readership is more than willing to "listen" to whatever story-telling, question-asking, ranting, raving, or rambling you find it helpful to do, without judgment.
PS -- Only for you would I publicly admit to dreaming about dolphin-man Phelps. ;)
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