Regrets

I met a guy here named Rob who works at the hospital and volunteers his time here in the rehab ward.  He's a para who has been in a wheelchair for over 20 years, and he's a great resource for learning what life is like in the chair.  I've had the chance to sit down and talk with him for a couple hours now, and I've learned a TON.

The rep from the company that is going to build my wheelchair is also a para, and his name is Todd.  Rob and Todd are both active, successful paras who are living very full lives from the chair.  One thing they both share in common is the attitude that life in the chair really isn't very different from walking life.  Right now, my attitude is that I'm ready to accept the limitations of the chair, but I genuinely hope that one day, I will feel the way they do: that the chair isn't that much of a limitation.

Rob says that the most important thing about living successfully in the chair is attempting the things you want to do.  If you never try pushing your chair a mile to the store, or climbing a muddy hill, or ascending a curb, you'll never accomplish those things.  I hope I eventually have the courage to try all the things I want to do in the chair, but thinking about that got me thinking about the fact that there are still some things I will simply never do again, and about how much I'm going to miss those things.

I don't think self-pity is very productive.  In fact, I think it's a waste of time, but I can't help how I feel, and ignoring it won't make it go away, so here's what I think I'm going to miss the most.

I'm really going to miss motorcycling.  Everybody that knows me knows that motorcycles are my life, so this shouldn't come as a surprise to most of you: it kills me that I'll never get to ride again.  When we were on the highway, coming back from the field trip yesterday, we got passed by a guy on a Ducati, and I couldn't take my eyes off him.  His motion was so fluid and effortless, and he just looked so free.  I remembered that feeling, and in that moment, I wanted to be him so badly I couldn't think about anything else.  It pulls actual tears to my eyes to think that I'll never get to do it again, but it's a fact, and crying about it won't change anything.

Pure joy

The thing I think I'm going to miss more than motorcycling is playing with my nephew.  I never thought I would be the kind of guy who cared about that sort of thing, but I'm finding that I am.  My favorite thing to do with him has always been to pick him up by his ankles and run around the house.  He calls it "Uppa-yidesdown", and he loves it.  His little sister loves it too now, and I'll never get to do it again.  That thought destroys me.  It would probably be better if I knew what I will be able to do with the kids, but I'm afraid that I'll be pretty limited for a while, and I'm afraid that the kids will grow up thinking I'm a boring cripple while I'm figuring it out.

Uppa-yidesdown

I guess the key will be to take Rob's advice, and try something.  Then I just gotta come up with something fun I want to do.  Wheelchair rides might be fun enough...